I have a still frame in my mind from a couple of weeks after my first baby was born. I was walking to the kitchen, bouncing my fussing son, my back to the television that my husband was watching. I looked at my husband, thinking sadly, “I miss him.” I wasn’t sure how I could miss my husband so much, considering he had been right by my side since the moment our son was born. He was supportive, willing to help, and always woke up to help me breastfeed our baby in the night. But I realized that I hadn’t touched him or even talked to him about anything other than our baby since the birth. I was grieving the loss of our previous relationship. Everything had changed so quickly and unexpectedly. At the moment, I felt silly for being so sad, and perhaps even a little guilty. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be grateful for this beautiful little person that had joined our family?

I wondered if he felt the same way, but I didn’t dare ask. And I know he wouldn’t have dared to share any such feelings or thoughts with me for fear of adding worry to my mind and heart. Come to think of it, I’m not sure if I’ve ever told him about that moment. As I look back at this moment 4 and a half years later, I wish I had done it differently. I wish I had just sat down next to him, snuggled in, and told him that I loved him and missed him. Even if there was nothing concrete we could have changed, that moment of connection during a time when we were both so focused on our newborn, might have opened the door for more conversations or brainstorming about ways to stay more connected as we transitioned into our new family structure.

We’re a strong team now with two small children, but there are times when I still think back to our barely recognizable life before kids and I miss the “us” of the past. We were pretty carefree and totally focused on ourselves and each other. What did we even talk about? I know we talked a lot, but it’s hard to imagine what it was about.

I’ve learned a lot since then about keeping my relationship with my husband strong and I think I still have much more to learn. Here are a few thoughts and ideas for newer moms to connect with their partner during those early days:

• Prioritize honest communication.
  • Ask how your partner feels things are going.  Does he/she have any needs or concerns?
  • Share your feelings about how things are going.  Do you have any needs or concerns?
• Set aside time each day to just be together and chat.  Even if you’re soothing, feeding, or diapering a baby, honor this time and be with your partner without distractions.
• Discuss ways you can do even just one thing you enjoyed before baby was born.  Can you go out for a meal (some newborns can sleep through a restaurant meal if they have full bellies)?  Can you go for a walk and put baby in a carrier?  Can you turn on some music and dance?
• Take good care of each other.  Try to find ways to give each other an extra few minutes to sleep or practice other self-care rituals.  Enlist friends and family for support if you need to.
• Encourage and complement each other when you can as you learn this parenting thing together.

What else have you found helpful to keep your relationship strong during the early days with a new baby?  Please tell us in the comments!