A couple weeks ago I read a blog post titled something like “What Science Tells us About Newborn Sleep,” and it made me totally question my decisions to co-sleep with my first and soon to be second baby. And not in a good way. I’m not linking to the article because a) I tried to erase it from my memory, and b) it ended up being yet another source telling me I should have pushed my baby to sleep on her own. I’m also not sure how much science was behind the article, it was really based on a parenting philosophy and perhaps observations or reports over time. Essentially it proposed that newborns are equipped to get themselves back to sleep and we just interfere with that biological mechanism by responding to all their little noises, grunts, and whimpers. So, in case you didn’t get that, it’s actually your fault that your newborn doesn’t sleep through the night. And for me, it’s my fault that my two and a half year old can’t get herself back to sleep independently at night. I was really struck at how quickly this article led me to question my thoughts on newborn sleep and wonder if I should take a more proactive approach with my second child (to be born in June).
If you want to learn more about my general parenting philosophy with baby number one I suggest reading this blog post. I had actually heard of this don’t interfere newborn sleep approach before my first was born, and I tried it. I swear I did, but my baby had not heard of this approach. I’m sure that this approach does work for some, and it does have a lot of common sense behind it – it just didn’t work for us. She wanted to be held and nursed constantly. I tried to get her to see the wisdom of my ways, but she just wouldn’t agree. Why would she? What would your preference be? So, after 8 months of constantly trying to search for a miracle solution to my newborn sleep problem, I essentially gave up and gave in. There were a few minor things we did here and there to make life easier for the adults, but overall we just responded to her needs and tried to have faith things would get better – and they have (though not perfect). I think we all know deep down that babies will eventually sleep – it’s just that our ideas about when that will happen are often out of sync with reality.
When I think about my struggles with newborn sleep I recognize my broader issues with parenting. I want to do this right. I would like to feel confident that I am making the right decision. Especially in the US a baby sleeping through the night seems like the ultimate parenting success. This is the gold standard we should all strive for. Anything less feels like I’ve failed. When I talk to a rare parent of a baby who sleeps “well” I definitely feel a bit of self-doubt. In hindsight I believe there’s not much I could have done (or that I was willing to do) to change things . I also know that my nighttime parenting has allowed my child to develop in other amazing ways. I believe those extra snuggles and nursing sessions have led to a very positive attachment. This is not to say babies who sleep independently are lacking these gains, just that there are some benefits to how things went. The question remains, though, if I can see all the benefits and acknowledge the lack of power I have to change things, then why would an article that disputes this lead to me feeling so vulnerable.
The truth is there are many right ways to parent. I’m not here to tell you what is right for you. I’m still working on finding the right way for me and my family. As I await baby number two I am also working on letting go of expectations about sleep. I want to say I am open to whatever the baby needs and that I’m not worried about it. This is not completely true. I still think about whether or not there is anything I can do to nudge baby towards sleeping in longer chunks a little sooner. I think about how co-sleeping might lead to more nighttime waking because baby knows I’m close. I wonder if buying a $200 baby pillow will really help my baby sleep longer – like the website claims. Yes, these thoughts still swarm. I am not cured of my cultural expectations about sleep or my personal drive to get things right. What I also know is that is when I relax and avoid worrying about the future I can better deal with the moment. The approach I want to take towards sleep this time is to not worry about it and just do what works in the moment. (Can you all remind me of that in about 4 months when I’m having a mental break down because I can’t put the baby down)?