Are you anxious or worried about the future? Are you unsure of what to do today? Does every decision about your baby seem to carry more significance than the last? If you are like me you quickly answered yes to all these questions. Let me tell you about my early days of motherhood to help you understand my relationship with anxiety and worry, and why this secret was so powerful for me.
When my daughter was born I had already read a few books about parenting and been close with some friends who have small children. I thought I had things figured out. I had a plan and what it mostly centered around was sleep. Don’t tell Taylor, but I figured that all of my friends who had kids that weren’t sleeping through the night by 6 months just weren’t doing it right. (Even though I pretended to totally agree with their wacko ideas about co-sleeping and the neuro-biology of night waking). What this meant is that right from the start I needed to care for my baby in a way that would promote good sleep habits.
So, imagine me, new mom, with this goal always on her mind caring for my daughter during the first few months of motherhood. I mean from the moment she was born I made a choice to put her in a bassinet to sleep for a few minutes rather than keep her on me. I’m not saying this was a particularly bad choice, just that it was informed by my hope that I could train her to sleep independently. Spoiler alert – my daughter will be 2 in about a week and she still wakes up to nurse on many nights, and (gasp) sometimes I sleep most of the night with her!
So how did I get from there to here. Well, the first few months of motherhood were really hard for me. I was super worried and stressed about many things. My daughter was small and gaining weight at a snail’s pace. Things seemed off with breastfeeding, I was having a slow physical recovery, and dammit this baby did not want to sleep where or when I wanted her to sleep. I had lots of talks about this with various family members and friends, but the best advice I got was from my very own husband. It was so simple and it was pure genius. He said:
“Do what works now, don’t worry about the future.”
What? Huh? How? Didn’t I have to train the baby, set up good habits, and do what would be best in the long run. Even if it created a lot more stress for me now. Nope. No I didn’t. It turns out that there is no magic formula or crystal ball. There’s no guarantee that all your discipline and worry will pay off. I know this first hand. What I also learned is that there was a real downside to me being so future oriented. I missed out on lots of peaceful snuggle time because I was spending so much energy trying to put my newborn down in a crib or a swing. My baby missed out on opportunities to nurse more often at night and possibly gain weight faster and keep my supply of breast milk up. (Oh the agony this would have avoided down the line).
I also spent the first several months feeling stressed and inadequate because my baby wasn’t doing what I thought she should. In my original perspective this meant I wasn’t a good enough mom. When I finally listened to my partner and started making decisions based on his outlook, I was able to let go of the stress and work towards postpartum wellness. I was able to enjoy the time with my baby a little more. I was also able to let go of a bit of the guilt about my perceived failings as a mom.
Does staying in the moment eliminate all the challenges of motherhood? Certainly not. Do I think that so many moms would be so much less stressed if they followed my wise partner’s advice, hell yes! I think so much of why we experience negative feelings about motherhood has to do with expectations. There is so much about parenting that is different than I expected. I have to learn this lesson on a daily basis: the more expectations I have the more I set myself up to be frustrated and disappointed.
If I approach any given situation with flexibility and non-attachment to the outcome, I am usually able to go with the flow. The benefits of doing what works in the moment have been very significant to me. I still use this strategy now to deal with many of the challenges that come with parenting a toddler. At times it’s hard to have faith that things will work out in the future. When I waiver on my choices though I can easily look back at our brief history and see all the ways doing what worked in the moment was a great choice.
Here are just a few examples of how I did what worked in the moment and didn’t worry about the future. We’d love to hear some of your “do what works now” strategies!
Put mattresses on the floor to create safe co-sleeping environments.
Why it works – This has made night nursing so easy. It also makes sneaking away from a sleeping baby much easier than transferring baby from arms to crib. Why I resisted – my house looks a bit shabby and I didn’t want my baby to control my life.
Let baby take naps in baby carrier or stroller.
Why it works – This often freed me up to do something else like go for a walk or do chores. Otherwise I might spend most of the nap trying to get baby to lay in crib by herself. Why I resisted – it can be difficult to have a baby attached to you all the time and I wanted to encourage her to sleep independently.
Held baby in carrier while I do chores rather than trying to keep her occupied on her own.
Why it works: I could get things done and the baby was content. Why I resisted: I wanted to detach from baby and encourage independence (isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?).
Slept in a separate room from husband.
Why it works: Having a little extra space to co-sleep with baby was nice. Why I resisted: Fear of baby taking over my life and relationship with husband.
Took baby into shower with me.
Why it works: I found time to shower during the day or evening and the baby is content for 15 minutes without me having to entertain her. Why I resisted: The baby was cutting into sacred me time.
After re-reading this list I notice a theme in my reasons for resisting. I feared my baby being too dependent on me and me not having any space from the baby. I worry readers will think I was a callous or detached mother. At the time I was experiencing an intense and emotional internal battle. I struggled to accept the reality of motherhood and worried that I would never be independent again, but I also loved my daughter and knew that she needed my constant proximity. People told me it would get easier and not to worry, but it is so hard to believe when you’re in the thick of it. Now that my daughter is a little older I understand that children naturally become more independent.
It’s easy now to see that I created more stress for myself by worrying about the long-term effects of my newborn parenting techniques. But during the time of uncertainty that is the postpartum period it’s hard to get this perspective. That’s why my only advice for you is to do what works now and try not to worry about the future.
Share with us how you are “doing what works now.”